“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.”
Luke 6:37
Marilynne Robinson’s novel “Gilead” is, without a doubt, one of my favorite novels and the most authentic depiction of the inner life of a minister that I have ever come across in fiction. The novel’s narrator is John Ames, a Protestant pastor in his seventies. He is a man of deep faith and introspection, with a growing sense of his own mortality due to a chronic heart condition. Jack Bouton, by contrast, is a man marked by a troubled past. He is the godson of John Ames and, for much of the novel, a source of concern and consternation for John Ames. Jack Bouton’s life has been a tumultuous journey marked by wanderlust, restlessness, and a shadowy history that includes time spent in jail.
Their relationship is complex, filled with tension, compassion, and the longing for redemption. Ames, who has spent his life devoted to God and the church, initially struggles to reconcile his deep spiritual convictions with Jack’s wayward lifestyle. He is torn between his desire to guide Jack towards a righteous life and Jack’s seeming inability to find faith and walk the straight and narrow path. In turn, Jack Bouton’s interactions with John Ames reveal a deep yearning for connection and redemption, seeking solace in the presence of Ames, in spite of his inability to overcome his depraved nature. Despite his own inner turmoil and their obvious differences, Jack finds moments of peace and reflection in Ames’s company. Their conversations touch on existential and theological questions, providing both men with a deeper understanding of the human condition.
As Jack wrestles with faith, or more accurately, the lack thereof, Ames grapples with his own judgments and prejudices, unable to ever fully understand the complexities of Jack’s inner life. Ultimately, Ames realizes that Jack Bouton, like all individuals, is a product of his experiences and circumstances, shaped by the trials and tribulations of his life. He cannot be fully known, just as we cannot be fully known. Human beings are a mystery, so much so that we are often a mystery even to our own selves. Throughout the novel, both men come to see each other not as judge and sinner but as two imperfect souls navigating the complexities of existence. It is a relationship marked by a shared humanity and a desire to love, even in the absence of understanding.
I have read Gilead multiple times, as well as its companion novels, Home, Lila, and Jack, each of which tells a similar story from a different character’s perspective to drive the themes of human complexity even further. I always leave Robinson’s stories feeling a deep sense of the joys and sorrows of trying to truly know and love someone. The sad truth is that, in our efforts to connect with one another, we never fully succeed in all the ways we might hope. At the same time, there is a beauty in the attempt, as the complexities of one another gradually unveil new layers of the human condition that we may have never experienced otherwise.
We are social creatures, and the stories we tell reflect our fascination with the inner lives of others. We never get tired of telling stories of people moving from first impressions into deep and meaningful relationships. Whether it unfolds in a budding romance, the bond between a parent and child, the unique camaraderie shared by siblings, or the deep-rooted friendship between kindred spirits, the best stories that touch on this theme do so with captivating beauty, touching something deep within us.
There is an allure to discovering someone’s intricacies; their passions, aversions, dreams, and vulnerabilities. It’s as if by getting to know someone, we slowly peel away the layers of their soul. And if you prove yourself worthy, you may be given the privilege of delving into their well-guarded mysteries, those precious intricacies that only a chosen few are privy to, and perhaps, only you have the honor of knowing. An intimate beauty comes from comprehending a person on a deeper level, resonating with their essence, and feeling a deep sense of mutual understanding.
Likewise, there is a deep sense of comfort in being seen and appreciated for who you truly are, in knowing that someone out there comprehends your innermost thoughts and feelings, embracing the authentic you with all your strengths and weaknesses. There is solace in the fact that, amid the vastness of the world, there exists a soul who loves you for your sincere self, not the image you project, but the real you.
Yet, therein lies the danger. The connection we forge with others, based on trust and understanding, is a delicate construct that can be disrupted by unforeseen revelations or an unexpected breach of trust. In these instances, we confront the inherent fragility of human relationships. The foundation of trust that has been painstakingly built over time can shatter in an instant, leaving us disoriented and emotionally shaken. We grapple with a sense of relational disorientation in the wake of such revelations or betrayals. It’s as if the solid ground beneath our feet suddenly gives way, and we find ourselves navigating uncharted territory, unsure of how to rebuild what has been lost. The sense of trust that once formed the bedrock of our connection now lies in ruins, and we are left with the challenging task of rebuilding or, in some cases, accepting the irreparable damage.
These moments of revelation force us to confront a fundamental and humbling truth: no matter how closely we believe we know someone, regardless of the depth of our understanding or the time we’ve spent together, there exists within each individual an elusive aspect of their being, a mysterious core that remains just beyond our complete comprehension. It’s as if each person carries within them a hidden room, locked away from prying eyes, where their innermost thoughts, desires, and secrets reside. It might be a hidden past, a buried trauma, a secret ambition, or simply a facet of their personality that they have chosen to keep concealed. The realization of this hidden aspect can be unsettling and disheartening, as it challenges our belief in our ability to truly know and understand those we are close to. This realization creates sense of alienation. It may even shake the very foundations of our belief in the concept of human connection, for if we struggle to fully know those closest to us, who can we truly know?
This realization is humbling, reminding us that human beings are infinitely complex, constantly changing, and never fully knowable. It underscores the beauty of the ongoing journey of discovery, where the pursuit of understanding another person is an unending adventure, full of surprises and revelations. It’s the acknowledgment of this enigmatic depth within each individual that makes the process of getting to know someone a captivating and endlessly fascinating endeavor, even as it poses the challenge of accepting the ever-present possibility of unexpected twists, turns, and heartache along the way.
Each of us possesses a rich and intricate inner world, a realm of thoughts, emotions, and experiences that is entirely personal and private. This inner self is like a hidden treasure trove, the place where our most authentic identity resides. However, unlike our external appearance, this inner self remains concealed. It’s the mysterious territory within us, where we grapple with questions of self-awareness, purpose, and understanding. Much like how we cannot reveal this inner space to ourselves by gazing into a mirror, we also cannot expose it directly to others. We cannot simply open ourselves up like a book and allow others to see the intricate workings of our inner thoughts and emotions.
Instead, we must engage in the act of communication, sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others, just as they must do the same for us. This process of communication becomes the bridge that connects our inner selves to the outer world. Yet, we often encounter the most challenging obstacles when we strive to convey authentic concerns and heartfelt sentiments. When we try to express our deepest thoughts, we often struggle to convey the true essence of our message amidst a sea of words that do not do justice to the depth of our thoughts and emotions. We struggle to express ourselves fully, just as our loved ones may also struggle to express themselves to us fully.
This inability to know and be known becomes most frustrating in times of suffering when our loved ones find themselves entangled in genuine turmoil, enduring suffering. We stumble over our words, collide with invisible barriers, and struggle to articulate our well-meaning intentions. We end up bearing witness, helpless, as someone near and dear slips through our grasp is an agonizing ordeal that cannot be fully understood. Not being able to help and not being able to understand are emotions that cut deep, a profound pain that touches the very core of our being.
Conversely, we are compelled to ponder whether there exists someone out there who comprehends us in the truest sense. In these moments of introspection, we are confronted with the enigma of our own existence. We yearn for connection, for a sense of being truly understood, yet we are left to grapple with the feeling of isolation that accompanies our search. It is a reminder of the complexities of human nature, the fragility of our bonds, and the perpetual quest to bridge the gap between ourselves and others.
“These people who can see right through you never quite do you justice, because they never give you credit for the effort you’re making to be better than you actually are, which is difficult and well meant and deserving of some little notice.”
Marilynne Robinson, Gilead
Our lives will always be intertwined with the lives of our loved ones. We will share in their happiness and sadness, all the while understanding that there is a part of them that will always remain mysterious. It’s those we share our lives with, those we should know intimately, who sometimes remain enigmatic. They defy complete comprehension, leaving us in a state of perpetual wonder and confusion. As much as we might try, we cannot understand or solve all of our loved ones problems. Nevertheless, despite the mysteries that shroud them, we can still love them, and we can love them with an unreserved and unyielding love that transcends the bounds of understanding.
Just as John Ames could never fully fathom the complexities of Jack Bouton’s inner life, we, too, encounter the mystery that resides within those we love. Yet, in this recognition of our inability to fully know another person lies a deeper truth that extends beyond our human limitations.
As Christians, we are invited to trust in the omniscience and love of God. We believe that God, as our Creator, intimately knows us in ways that no human ever can. He sees the hidden chambers of our hearts, understands our deepest fears and desires, and loves us unconditionally. In times of uncertainty, when faced with the incomprehensible aspects of our loved ones, we can find solace in our faith. We can trust that God, who knows us intimately, also knows our loved ones intimately. He can reach them in ways that we cannot. We can turn to Him in prayer, seeking His guidance, comfort, and healing for those we care about. We can rest in the knowledge that God’s love transcends our limited understanding and that His grace can touch the hearts of even the most unknowable individuals.
In the end, while we may never fully unravel the mysteries of those we cherish, we can embrace the beauty of the journey itself. We can continue to strive for deeper connections, to listen with empathy, and to offer our unwavering love. Just as God knows us intimately and loves us unconditionally, we can extend that same love to others, trusting that even in our imperfections and limitations, we are all part of a divine plan guided by the hand of a loving Creator. Our human connections may be imperfect, but they are a reflection of the profound and enduring love that God has for every one of us.
“Love is holy because it is like grace – the worthiness of its object is never really what matters.”
Marilynne Robinson, Gilead
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